I don’t give out a lot of advice. If you have a problem, don’t come to me. Sure, I’ll listen and sympathize and maybe even empathize, but I’m not going to tell you what to do. I don’t want to be responsible when you take my advice and your life turns to shit. Plus, I am not qualified to help you. I just realized I’ve been using a laptop lock as a bike lock for the past six years, I have literally no idea what a monkey wrench is, and I absolutely do not know why anyone trusts me with a credit card. I don’t have my life together, and moreover, there are tons of counselors dying for work. Google one in your area.
That said, I’m here to give you unsolicited advice on a subject you probably don’t care about in an overly aggressive tone. So shut up and listen; this is important.
Open bars at work functions. We need to talk about them.
Unless you’re a monk, at some point in your professional life you’ll undoubtedly go to a work event where your company has generously provided an open bar. That means you can get all the alcohol you want without paying a single penny. Bottoms up, right?
NO. Put the vodka soda down right now.
Open bars are delicate situations. In most scenarios, it is probably acceptable to have one or two drinks. Ask yourself the following questions to determine if it’s okay to partake:
- Are any of my superiors drinking? If they are, then proceed, but remember, this is not a backyard keg party. They are allowed to drink however much they want. You are not.
- Are the majority of people here drinking? Monkey see, monkey do. Try to behave for once in your life.
- Am I on an interview or in a position where my standing within the company is at all unstable, in jeopardy, or to be determined? Just don’t.
- Do I say things like “turn up,” “get lit,” or “ya buddy!” after two drinks? Lock it the fuck up and do not drink.
So let’s say you’ve determined that it’s acceptable to drink and that you aren’t risking your job or being judged by your colleagues. That doesn’t mean it’s a hall pass for you to get crunk and hyphy, okay?? This probably seems like common sense, but I’ve seen a lot of people get drunk at work events and start saying stuff that really shouldn’t be discussed with coworkers or acting in ways that shouldn’t be seen by the VP of your company. If you are going to drink, you can choose one of the following:
- Two glasses of chardonnay;
- Three beers;
- Two martinis;
- Two gin and tonics;
- Or one whiskey.
These are the maximum number of drinks, and should be spread out over the course of the event. I shouldn’t have to even be saying this, but again, you’d be surprised how many former frat bros I’ve seen drinking at work functions that start retelling their bachelor party glory days at the strip club. When in doubt, just be sober for like two hours. It’s hard being a professional sometime, but it’s also like really annoying to get fired.
And remember, just because it’s free, doesn’t mean you don’t pay for it. You pay for it with your reputation.